Originally written September 29th, 2006
BY EDWIN COONEY
I shouldn’t admit this, but I’m telling you because I know you won’t let this get out of the room. I have two close friends. One’s name is Dunderhead and the other one’s name is Lunkhead. I often meet them at our local watering hole. Recently, I sat with them while they engaged in the following discussion:
“Let’s see now,” began Dunderhead, “what do you guys think is the most important political issue in this congressional campaign? Is it the economy, the war in Iraq, or is it whether or not President Bush ought to fire Karl Rove?”
“It beats me,” I replied.
“My God!” exclaimed Lunkhead, “That’s why you’re such a dunderhead! Everyone knows the major issue in this political season is illegal immigration!” he shouted.
“Nuts,” said Dunderhead as he swallowed a large sip of beer, “Immigration is the oldest political football in the history of this country next to taxes. If you can identify a period in American history when a large proportion of the public didn’t have their undies in a bunch over the importation or exportation of foreigners in or out of this country, I’ll buy the rest of your drinks tonight! Legal or illegal has never had anything to do with it either way. The bottom line, especially these days, is most Americans are scared of anyone with a dark complexion and with a strange religion and who isn’t doing cart wheels over learning the English language!
“Bull!” growled Lunkhead as he stuck an unlit cigar in the corner of his mouth, “This is our house, and there’s only so much money to run it and there’s only so much room to live in it and there’s got to be rules for moving in and out as well as for living in it. That’s what it’s all about!”
“Well then,” I broke in having just swallowed a handful of peanuts, “what rules are these immigrants breaking once they’re living in our house?”
“What difference does it make what rules illegal immigrants are breaking once they get into this country?” demanded Lunkhead, “They’re already crooks because they’ve broken our laws by coming here illegally in the first place. So why does it matter what rules they break after that?”
“He’s exactly right to be asking that question,” Dunderhead replied for me, “because, as you damn well ought to know, one of the realities in the United States is that historically rules outweigh laws, because rules are most powerful especially when they’re unwritten. The truth of the matter is that we Americans follow unwritten rules far more readily than we follow laws!” insisted Dunderhead, leaning heavily on his right elbow as he scratched somewhere.
“You’re crazy, Dunderhead!” said Lunkhead, “Even more, you’re trying to evade the whole argument by splitting hairs. Laws are rules and you know it!”
“What country did you grow up in, Lunkhead?” Dunderhead shot back, “We’ve always evaded or broken the laws we don’t like by establishing private little strategies and rules to get around unpopular laws. We broke not only a law, but a constitutional amendment back in the twenties so many times that Roosevelt had to get the amendment repealed during the Depression. I’m talking about Prohibition in case you’ve forgotten, Lunkhead! Also, three constitutional amendments were passed during the 1860s which not only freed the slaves, but granted them voting and other rights. Well, not only citizens, but even states found ways to break those constitutionally proscribed laws so that they could follow Jim Crow’s rules. I’m telling you, Lunkhead, I’m not splitting hairs! This may be a government of laws, but it’s a society of unwritten rules which are often designed to skirt those laws which the most powerful and determined among us don’t want to follow. How do you think George Bush legitimatized his 2000 election as President?”
“So, it’s all right with you if illegals come into this country, take our jobs, collect welfare and even eventually apply for Social Security benefits thereby draining off the money hardworking American citizens have put aside for their old age? Besides, leave George Bush out of this, Dunderhead!” cried Lunkhead, his voice almost becoming a screech.
“What does it matter whether or not I like their being here?” Dunderhead pounded the bar, “Don’t you get it that someone with a lot of money and influence is benefiting from the latest immigration flap?”
“Don’t be so stupid, Dunderhead! Of course, I get it that someone’s benefiting from illegal immigration -- and most of them are Liberals,” said Lunkhead dropping his voice and pointing his index finger for emphasis. “They think they can increase the ethnic vote already in this country by allowing the distant relations of these ethnic minorities into states like California and Texas where they’ve already tried, but fortunately failed, to pass motor voter laws and drivers licensing privileges for illegal aliens.” Ticking his points off on his fingers, Lunkhead continued, “In fact, the only illegal alien Liberals ever wanted to deport was that Cuban kid Elian Gonzalez back in 2000.”
“I still can’t imagine what country you’ve been living in, Lunkhead!” insisted Dunderhead. “If this whole thing is only political for Democrats, then why is it that both President Bushes have denied federal funding to the Republican governors of the State of California to protect their citizens against the high costs for implementing federal standards in minority and immigrant education? Why is it that corporations, which are the GOP’s biggest donors, are allowed to benefit the most from illegal immigration?”
Finally, getting a word in edgewise, I asked, “What’s the bottom line in this whole illegal immigrant debate guys?”
“The bottom line,” said Lunkhead, chomping down on his cigar, “is that these immigrants are crooks breaking into our house, The United States of America. Even more, when they get here, they want something for nothing! Politicians like Maryland Senator Paul Sarbanes are willing to give them tax breaks as well as college entrance preferment and they don’t even have to learn our language! Worse than that, even, are the cry babies who say that unless we let these people in, we’re bigoted. Look,” he continued, “these immigrants aren’t even worthy of the name ‘ immigrant’. You look back and those immigrants who set foot on Ellis Island a hundred or so years ago actually bent down and kissed the ground. They weren’t looking for a handout, they were looking for opportunity. They weren’t looking to be protected from outrageous laboring conditions, all they wanted was a chance and God bless them! This new generation of immigrant crooks--as I call ‘em--aren’t even interested in being real Americans. If they were, at least they’d learn English!”
“The bottom line,” said Dunderhead knotting his left fist and pointing his right index finger along the bar at Lunkhead, “is that this guy is being hornswaggled and he doesn’t even know it! In the first place, there are said to be about 12,000,000 illegals in this country of about 300,000,000. So here you’ve got a bunch of politicians apparently successfully convincing people that 96 per cent of the people can’t control the remaining four per cent—which is your 12,000,000 illegal immigrant population. Second, as for the “our house” analogy, ask the descendants of Native Americans if their ancestors didn’t once consider this continent “their house”. Incidentally, Lunkhead, the presidents like Andrew Jackson, the governors like Sam Houston and the generals like George Custer, who killed off the Indians and snatched their land were all “law-abiding and legally constituted American citizens”. As for the willingness of immigrants of a century ago to work under terrible conditions and to submit themselves to the outrageous prejudices of the time, well, that’s no recommendation for “America the Beautiful” as far as I’m concerned. Only in America do we brag about how we’ve treated people in the past and then criticize present day minorities for not being willing to submit to the same treatment! The real bottom line is that the politicians on both sides have got us where they want us – scared.”
“So,” growled Lunkhead, banging his just-drained scotch glass on the bar for emphasis, “of course, I’m scared! Why shouldn’t I be scared? I’m scared because I care—and that’s apparently more than you do, Dunderhead! Fellows, you know the guy who successfully enters the United States carrying a nuclear suitcase bomb is much more likely to be a dark skinned Hispanic or Arab than he is to be anything else—face it, Dunderhead!” warned Lunkhead.
“I don’t know,” I mused. “It seems to me that historically most of those dangerous to our national security have been people such as Benedict Arnold, Ethel and Julius Rosenberg, a bunch of well-trained and educated whiz kids in the pentagon who sold secrets to the Soviets in the seventies and eighties plus perhaps even naive John Walker Lind—the American kid we caught in Afghanistan with the Taliban. As I recall, the one thing they all have in common aside from their being Caucasian is their American citizenship. Come to think of it, fellows,” I continued, “ we haven’t had many very nice things to say about the French lately or even the Swedes, for that matter. So, were I Osama Bin Laden, I’d do my best to keep the American people worrying about illegal Hispanic or Arab immigration while I picked someone to carry the nuclear suitcase bomb who looked like Bridget Bardot and came straight out of Kansas.
Suddenly I noticed that both Lunkhead and Dunderhead had slipped off their stools and were walking out of the bar arm in arm. Lunkhead had actually struck a match to his cigar before reaching the door of the non-smoking bar.
“I don’t know about Dunderhead,” said Lunkhead, “but I’m going home and getting under the covers and pulling them over my head with Mrs. Lunkhead where I belong. Up until now, I was mostly frightened by Dunderhead’s naïveté about illegal immigration. Now, I’m scared of you!”
As my two pals disappeared down the street I whipped out my trusty cell phone and punched in a number. In seconds, the deep voice of Vice President Dick Cheney was in my ear.
“Nothing to worry about, Sir,” I said, “Lunkhead and Dunderhead are no threat to our national security, although Dunderhead probably thinks too much for complete comfort. You don’t really have to convince them of anything—scare ‘em and you’ve got ‘em!”
Then, to the Vice President’s grunt of satisfaction, I said of my report:
RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY