FEAR — MAKE IT YOUR SLAVE, NOT YOUR MASTER

By Edwin Cooney

As I was telling a friend recently, I’ve been thinking of making fear the subject of a column for quite some time.

To bolster the idea, I went on to explain that I have come to realize that fear is the companion - or perhaps even the brother - of disappointment and despair and, most absolutely, the father of hatred. I next paused to receive her plaudits for my willingness to take on such a deep and enthralling subject.

“So,” she asked, a note of smugness creeping into her voice, “why haven’t you written about fear so far? Are you afraid of it?”

Of course, every American schoolboy and girl since March 4, 1933 knows that: “…the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance…”; for those words came from that “man in the White House” who needed steel braces on his legs even to stand -- but who nevertheless had the strength to lift a paralyzed society to its feet so that it might walk and serve us once again.

While the medicine Franklin Delano Roosevelt prescribed may well have been debatable in-so-far as future generations are concerned, the fact is that it did alleviate much of our fears at the time of a serious national crisis. However, he only described the worst effects of fear rather than advising his national constituency as to how they themselves might grapple with and overcome it.

Fear has mastered me many times. I remember once--when I was twelve years old--standing at the edge of our school diving board screaming that I didn’t want to dive into the pool because I was afraid (despite the fact that there were two or three older kids standing alongside of me ready to dive into the water in case I experienced any trouble). Exactly why my gym teacher let me get away with that performance is beyond me, but he let me come back and try again on another occasion. Within a week or so, I’d worked up enough courage, and actually asked for the opportunity to try it again—with my “protection” of course—and this time I dived and dived –and some say I’ve been “taking dives” ever since. (Those who say that are, of course, my political opponents.)

More recently, I’ve experienced the fears brought on by romance and parenting and would gladly trade both in exchange for the fears of my youth. However, one of the things life has taught me more is how to recognize fear. Fear is a clever emotion and, like the chameleon, hides or blends in with other emotions and actions such as sorrow, sympathy, acquiescence, resolution, as well as bravery or courage.

Fear is applicable to incidents that are both personal and multi-personal. It’s also applicable to a variety of interests and conditions: fear of heights, fear of falling, fear of illness, disability and death, fear of discrimination, fear of integration, fear of losing, and even fear of success. Hence, fear is largely (although by no means entirely) a personal matter.

A few weeks ago, one of my friends and a reader of these columns -- a wise and sweet lady -- sent me what you see below:

You may notice that your close personal relationships might leave you feeling on edge today. It could be that you are reacting to the stress in their lives or to their expectations of you. Either way, today you might want to work on developing detachment. Being detached means that you extend your love to another person but you don't take on their emotions as if they were your own. As you go about your day today, you can imagine the people who are causing you to react. Picture them with all of their struggles and mentally send your love to them. You could then see yourself telling them that while you love them, they are responsible for their own affairs as you are for yours. You may notice that it becomes easier to separate your feelings from theirs and you may feel more at ease as a result.

Learning how to detach from the emotions of others lets us react to the feelings that are our own responsibility. When we are close to someone, we can let their problems or our reactions to them irritate us because the intensity of our love runs so deep. Detaching with love is a tool we can use to keep the level of our compassion for them without taking on their emotions. We give our loved ones the space to feel what they need to while creating a healthy place for ourselves. By detaching with love today you will discover the means to calm your own emotions while interacting with your loved ones.

These words from this very thoughtful lady don’t specifically address the subject of fear, however, her prescription of detachment is indeed a powerful antidote in the alleviation of fear. Her advice is even more powerful than was FDR’s historic assertion that our greatest fear was fear itself. (Move over Mr. President!). I can’t resist the observation that I’ve read and listened to FDR’s 1933 inaugural address many, many times and have never heard our thirty-second president assert that the key to fighting fear is “detachment with love”. Nor did he once during that historic address use the phrase “co-dependency” which is the phrase that defines our often described overly intense concern for the welfare of loved ones.

During the late 1980s and throughout the 1990s, the word “co-dependency” could be heard at almost every counseling and therapy session as well as in every twelve step meeting throughout America. I imagine that this is still true even though I haven’t attended such meetings in several years.

It’s almost as hard to hear such advice as it is to follow it. After all, our love and concern for people is something that we’re strongly encouraged to develop from almost the very instant we draw our first breath — and, even more, we’re usually proud of our individual love relationships. Therefore, it’s often very disconcerting when some therapist, clergyperson, or even a well-meaning friend suggests that we love too intensely.

Still, there is indeed substance and even wisdom in the possibility of detachment as a tool to make room for perspective in the solving of circumstances that tend to cause us to fear.

Incidental fear, even though it often blocks us, can also (of course!) keep us cautious and ultimately alive in dangerous situations. However, fear of one another or of other nations is invariably poisonous to the spirit. It more often than not breeds soul-destroying hatred. Thus our capacity to master our fear knowing when to heed it or ignore it is absolutely essential to our individual, national, and international fate.

An idea just occurred to me: since hatred of other people’s political and religious beliefs and practices may turn out to be the cause of humankind’s final war, how about changing the name of “The United Nations” to “The Society for International Detachment?”

Hmm! It does have a bit of a ring to it—don’t you think?

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY