DO YOU BELIEVE?

By Edwin Cooney

A friend sent me this a couple of weeks ago. It’s called “Through the Eyes of a Child.” What do you think?

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching.

Through the Eyes of a Child: Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came Dave. He got to be king by killing a giant with a sling shot. He had a son name Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Was that not cute -- and even clever? However, do you think for a moment the above was composed by a child?

What child who can spell Methuselah would make an adverb out of the name of Cain’s brother Abel? What child capable of writing and analyzing would not understand that donkeys, camels and horses were driven before automobiles? What child attending a private Christian school would refer to King David as Dave? Finally, I ask you, what teacher (even a teacher in a private Christian school) would ask a pre-adolescent to write a book report on a two thousand page book—let alone the Bible.

As I see it, someone’s being kidded here—and even though it’s a most pleasant “kid”, it’s misleading and even worse, careless.

If the author of this piece is a serious Christian or is worried about the quality of Biblical instruction, than why put a piece of material out like this thus exposing the public to the poor quality of Christian education? If the author is either an agnostic or an atheist, why worry the public about the quality of teaching in private Christian schools? If the author is genuinely concerned about the quality of instruction in public schools, why pick on religious instructors?

I’m more worried about the reader of the above who would suspend belief enough to even consider the possibility that a child, capable of writing the above, could be so confused.

Believe me, every kid knows the difference between boils and bowels, leopards and leprosy, and, in-so-far as I know, no respectable kid knows anything about geritol.

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY