By Edwin Cooney
I suppose I shouldn’t have (my mother told me to stay out of those places), but I recently returned to my favorite watering hole once again. I had to: it’s nearly Election Day and I just had to get a reading on the campaign from my buddies, Lunkhead and Dunderhead.
I could tell times were tense as soon as I arrived. Instead of sitting inside where Lunkhead usually is content to sit holding a dead cigar in his teeth, he was outside with Dunderhead. Lunkhead’s cigar was lit and his scotch was being held in a tight right fist.
Dunderhead was sitting across the table from Lunkhead staring down at some papers, a nearly full beer in front of him.
“What’s up fellows?” I asked. “Lunkhead, you’re looking a bit glum!” I continued, sitting down and hoping the waitress would soon bring my beer.
“His lady is voting for Obama,” Dunderhead said, biting his lips to keep from grinning.
“What!” I began “you mean Bertha’s actually go…..”
“Don’t say it,” Lunkhead cut in, “Maybe Sarah Palin can still bring her back to sanity.”
“That’s what I’m here to find out guys,” I said, after accepting a tall one, “who’s winning this election?”
The names came fast, Lunkhead shouting McCain and Dunderhead Obama. It was exactly what I’d expected.
Turning to my left, I asked Lunkhead, “What will elect McCain?”
“People want to be safe and secure. McCain’s military background, his experience as a POW and a public servant, plus his world outlook which I think is devoid of naiveté, provides the steadiness people are looking to find in difficult times. Furthermore, people are tired of the Democrats’ continuous appeals to class warfare. If it wasn’t for the well-off in this country, we’d live in a third world society,” Lunkhead replied.
“Nuts!” shot back Dunderhead, “in the first place, there are plenty of rich people in third world countries. Second, when a president proposes tax cuts for those making over a certain dollar amount, isn’t that class warfare? Third, when are the McCains and Lunkheads of this world going to get it through their heads that you can’t have a prosperous society without consumers? A nation of poor people will never be able to purchase the products and services the wealthy produce unless investments are made to their health, education and employment. I assert that the disappearance of the middle class is what could turn us into a third world country more than anything bad that’s likely to happen to the rich.”
“What will elect Obama?” I asked Dunderhead, turning to my right.
“George W. Bush, that’s all the answer you really need,” Dunderhead replied. “Americans have had it with presidential collusion with the rich and powerful at the expense of the middle class. They’re tired of seeing their constitutional rights sacrificed because of conservative fears over Radical Islam. Finally, they’ve had it with right wing sensational politics as promoted by influential right wing talk show hosts,” Dunderhead exclaimed, smirking at Lunkhead.
“Nonsense,” rumbled Lunkhead, “President Bush isn’t doing anything Abraham Lincoln didn’t do during the Civil War in-so-far as detaining people is concerned. The American people aren’t stupid. They understand that very well. As for right wing talk show hosts, Americans have had a bellyful of the hysterical propaganda pushed by Air America and MoveOn.org.”
”So, “ I asked “what would each of you say is your opponent’s biggest asset and what is your own candidate’s biggest mistake so far in this campaign?”
“Obama was smart to pick Biden,” Lunkhead said. “He has experience, he can be entertaining on the campaign trail with all of his Irish blarney, and I have to say he treated Governor Palin a lot better during the debate than the liberal media does on a daily basis. As for McCain’s biggest mistake, I’d say it was voting for the Wall Street bailout. What made it even worse was when he appeared to want to cancel the first debate to return to Washington for the purpose of consulting with the Bush Administration on the bailout. To many, he appeared to be in bed with an unpopular president rather than taking charge of the issue. He’d have been much better off had he voted against the bailout and then perhaps approved the modified version. That’s what could lose him the election,” Lunkhead sighed.
“As for what John McCain has done right,” Dunderhead began, “you have to go back to August. McCain had a great August. He kind of pushed Obama into a corner after Russia invaded Georgia. He began his campaign well when he participated in Rick Perry’s Saddleback Ranch debate. Then he ended August by picking Sarah Palin on his seventy-second birthday which was the day after Obama’s much publicized acceptance speech in Denver. That was smart. As for my concerns about the Obama campaign, I’d like to have seen Obama be more aggressive in the debates. He was often too professorial and aloof to suit me,” Dunderhead said, picking up his beer.
“Okay,” I said, “I’ve got to ask: what about the Palin choice? Was it smart? Was it a good choice?”
“It was good for America,” Lunkhead insisted, as he took a long puff on his cigar, “she’s right about abortion, she’s right on the subject of education, and she’s right in her opposition to gay marriage. She’s even willing to stand up to oil companies when it comes to sharing their wealth with the Alaska taxpayer. Her only fault is her comparative lack of experience which, as I see it, is more than balanced by Barack Obama’s lack of experience. If things go as I want them to, we’ll elect an experienced president. If Obama is elected we’ll have an inexperienced president. It’s as simple as that.”
“I admit,” said Dunderhead, “I thought it was a smart decision back on August 29th, when McCain introduced her. I thought she might actually appeal to many of Hillary Clinton’s supporters. However, as time has passed, Sarah Palin’s lack of knowledge has been emphasized by her lack of experience. She didn’t even know what the “Bush Doctrine” was when Charlie Gibson asked her about it. It’s also clear that the McCain camp doesn’t trust her enough to let her campaign very much by herself. What interests me is what kind of a mark she’s going to make on the Republican party. If she runs in the future, I wonder how her fellow Republican presidential candidates in 2011 and 2012 will treat her? She may well have tightened up the base of the Republican party for the fall campaign, but I think it’s unlikely that Republicans will give her a free pass to the top four years from now.”
“By the way, Lunkhead,” asked Dunderhead, “you didn’t go so far as to bet Bertha on the outcome of this election did you?”
“You know how I am about Bertha. I couldn’t help myself, Dunderhead!” Lunkhead gasped, his face paling.
“What must you do if Obama wins the election?” Dunderhead asked, his face deadpan.
“My daughter’s Halloween donkey ears -- I’ve gotta wear them every time I come here between the election and the inauguration,” he practically whispered.
“Goodness,” mused Dunderhead, “it’s going to be a dry Fall, isn’t it!
RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY
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