TWO GRATEFUL GOBBLERS

By Edwin Cooney

Like you, I was brought up to be thankful for having been born in America, “Land of the Free and Home of the Brave.” Lately however, I’m increasingly confused by the angry level of our political discourse.

Whenever I’m confused I drop into my local watering hole to consult Lunkhead and Dunderhead whose cordial but contentious political and social certainty almost always helps me focus.

Lunkhead, who preaches from the right, was as usual sitting to my left, a dead cigar in his face, stirring his scotch with a swizzle stick. Dunderhead, who pontificates from the left, was sitting where he always sits, to my right, sipping his usual lime-doctored Mexican beer and munching on handfuls of salted peanuts.

“You look confused, me lad!” observed Lunkhead as I took my seat between them.

“I’m both confused and conflicted this Thanksgiving,” I admitted. “I’ve always been raised to be thankful, at least once a year, for having been born in the land of the free and the home of the brave. However, if I’m to believe some, I’m living in a land that’s no longer either free or brave, as evidenced by the man who “we, the people” knowingly elected President in 2008. First, they insist that he’s a non-Christian, non-native-born leader who would sacrifice our freedom in exchange for “nanny care” government. Even worse, they insist that in world affairs our new president prefers a worldview of America to an American view of the world. Hence, he’d cheerfully surrender to terrorism. Still others insist that President Obama’s leadership here at home has put us back on the road to recovery from the precipice of a catastrophic national depression brought about by a bunch of “economic royalists” (FDR’s old term). In foreign affairs, these same people insist that President Obama is strengthening our national security by bringing America back into harmony with the world. So, should I be scared or grateful? I’m confused!”

“Well,” said Lunkhead, “You put it nicely. I know I’m plenty scared! I fear we’re being led by a non-Christian socialist president who is more world-centered than he is American-centered. Whether he’d surrender to terrorism is, at least, arguable. It’s also a fact that we are being led through an abomination of overspending and “big brother” “snooper vision” [an old Paul Harvey term] by Barack Hussein “Obamination” [a new right wing talk show host label]. Still there’s much to be grateful for: the NFL, the NHL, the NBA, college football and basketball, country music and, above all, Fox News.”

“Nuts!” shot back Dunderhead. “Here at long last we have a president who realizes that the individual’s well-being shouldn’t totally depend upon his monetary value, a president who realizes that we have to understand the world if we’re to get along peacefully in it, and all you can be thankful for this Thanksgiving is the NFL, the NHL, sports, country music and Fox News? God knows you do need educating, Lunkhead!” hissed Dunderhead.

“Wait a minute, Dunderhead,” said Lunkhead. “Do you think the first Thanksgiving dinner enjoyed by the Pilgrims grew and hunted itself? Do you really believe that the birds, beasts, and fish that were served jumped out of the forests and water and onto the Pilgrims’ plates as a result of some big government recreation program? Was the first Thanksgiving earned or was it a government “giveaway?” I say it was earned by hard work and shared as charity with a local Indian tribe.”

“That’s damned interesting that you put it that way, Lunkhead,” said Dunderhead. “Our first national Thanksgiving was the first—to use your words—“government giveaway.” After all, the 52 remaining Pilgrims from the Mayflower were alone in a land of millions of Native Americans. They didn’t know squat about where to find the best fish or game, they knew nothing about what crops they could grow in the soil of Massachusetts, but the most knowledgeable and powerful source for the identification and distribution of the information at the time were the Wampanoag Indians. Well, that’s what a government does: identify and distribute information. The Indians knew what to do and where to go and how to utilize those essential life-giving resources, Lunkhead. The Indians, after all, didn’t have to help those strange-looking, helpless, undocumented aliens from Europe. They could have wiped them out with little trouble. Instead they administered a little ‘government assistance’,” said Dunderhead with passion.

“So,” Lunkhead fired back, “you’ll be grateful for big government this Thanksgiving, hey, Dunderhead?”

“No, not exactly that,” responded Dunderhead. “I’ll be grateful this Thanksgiving just as the Pilgrims were at the very first one in 1621 that the leader who commands the most potent military force would act toward me with justice and grace rather than with fear and loathing. Even more, I’d expect him to act the same way toward you, Lunkhead,” said Dunderhead, signaling for a new beer.

“Here’s my bottom line question,” I said. “My holiday peace of mind depends in good measure on your answer. Are you fellows thankful for one another?”

“We insist on the right to abuse each other,” asserted Dunderhead.

“Damn right,” said Lunkhead, “It’s our birthright.”

So I handed them their Thanksgiving gift. I gave them each a bottle of -- you guessed it -- Wild Turkey. I’m nothing if not thankful—even for those two contentious gobblers!

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY