THE BELIEVER AND THE TAXPAYER

By Edwin Cooney

I know you’re not going to believe this but one night not long ago, I overheard a conversation between a Believer and a Taxpayer. They both claimed to be men satisfied with their distinct roles of Believer and Taxpayer.

“My most important responsibility is that of safeguarding the fiscal and military security of the United States of America,” asserted the Taxpayer.

“How do you accomplish that?” asked the Believer.

“Well,” responded the Taxpayer, “by controlling the most powerful instrument at my command. In wartime, my gun, rocket launcher, or bomber are my most powerful weapons. During peacetime, in a free society, the most powerful instrument I possess is my money. The only thing too many elected representatives really and truly understand is money. I hate to say this, but after over two centuries of liberty, the coin of the realm is far more precious than a man’s word!”

“Hmmm,” responded the Believer, “as a Believer, my first priority is my accountability to God. The most powerful instrument in my possession is love. I mean love for
Humankind born of my love for my God. Hence, if I love my God and follow His commands, then people’s welfare has to be my top priority,” said the Believer, contemplatively scratching his chin.

“Wait a minute,” said the Taxpayer,” I’m a Believer, too, you know. After all, it says in scripture that every true Believer is required to give no more than ten percent of his wages for the sustenance of the poor and far more than ten percent of my taxes goes to the poor!”

“So,” asked the Believer, “how do you feel about that?”

“I resent it,” said the Taxpayer, a bit of heat creeping into his voice. “It’s a redistribution of wealth. We call it socialism these days, because that’s what it is!”

“So,” asked the Believer, “do you resent giving away more than ten percent of your wages because you’re a Believer, or because you’re a Taxpayer, since you insist that you’re both?”

“Well,” responded the Taxpayer, “now that you ask, I resent it most as a Consumer because the more of my money the government takes, the less powerful I am in either the marketplace or as an individual citizen.”

“Wait a minute,” asked the Believer, “are you more of a Consumer than you are a Taxpayer? At the outset of our conversation, you asserted that you are a Taxpayer and I asserted that I’m a Believer. As a Believer, I haven’t asserted that I’m either a Taxpayer or a Consumer. I’m standing alone as a Believer. Paying taxes or purchasing goods and services are things I must do, but purchasing and paying are not who I am. Now, which are you?”

“Look, if I don’t demand respect as a Taxpayer, I won’t have any influence. Influence is everything. If you don’t have influence, you’re powerless,” said the Taxpayer as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets.

“Well,” replied the Believer, “what influence I have comes from my faith, not from my power. My power isn’t my own. If one demands power unto himself where does he go during times of stress? If, for example, politicians, who -- despite their political ideology ultimately work for the government -- didn’t depend on you for your money, what influence would you have if your taxes were sufficiently low? Do you suppose the politicians who got you the low taxes would ask you for less money during the political season?”

“Good God! I don’t know,” said the Taxpayer, glancing heavenward. All I know is that as a Taxpayer, politicians, real estate magnates, bankers, stockbrokers, and even mighty talk show hosts clamor for my attention. Who clamors for your attention?” asked the Taxpayer, suddenly realizing he was about to be overwhelmed by the answer.

“God,” responded the Believer “Who’s more powerful or merciful than God?” As a Taxpayer, your ultimate power and influence is dependant upon politicians who get themselves elected to government. My faith is dependant upon the Almighty. Your strength depends upon what you do and mine depends first and foremost on what I believe. What I do is what I believe. What you do, it seems to me, is what is required of you.”

“Wait a minute!” shouted the Taxpayer, “Don’t you forget for one moment that it is we the Taxpayers of this country who voted to exempt Believers like you from having to pay taxes on funding your religious activities!”

Suddenly, it was happening again. My lady has sharp elbows and they were in my ribs.

“Look dear,” she said, “because I love you I’m willing to put up with a man who thinks too much even when he’s sleeping, but if this doesn’t let up pretty soon, I’m going home to mama for at least a week so I can get some rest!”

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY