By Edwin Cooney
Okay, here’s how it happened. I was purposefully strolling, cane methodically working, down the street the other night when a lady came along. As she passed me she said, in a rather clipped matter-of-fact tone of voice -- not at all condescending -- “you’re on Santa Clara Avenue headed toward Park Street.” She seemed to be a middle-aged lady, not an old lady, and the air was pungent with her cigarette smoke, but that didn’t put me off. However, I found her assumption that I needed that information offensive.
Now I’ve been offended before by people inquiring of me in something of a piteous tone: “Can I help you? Do you know where you’re going?” Most of the time I reply with something like: “No, thank you, I’m fine” and move on. However, this lady really got under my skin or as some might put it, “got on my last good nerve” so I responded:
“Ma'am,” I said, “do you really believe I don’t know that?”
By that time, she was about 10 feet behind me so I had to turn around to address her back. Her response was, “Well, I just wanted to be helpful!”
Obviously baffled by each other’s perception of that exchange, we proceeded on our way.
I guess I hope that she promptly forgot the conversation. As for me however, thoughts came thick and fast. Immediately, I chided myself for not simply saying “Thank you very much.” That would have been the mannerly way to handle it. I could hear Edith, the lady I often called mother, saying to me: “Ed, did you have to be rude even if you considered that she was being rude or ignorant?”
Of course, my answer to that would have been, “I suppose not, but shouldn’t some people, especially seemingly intelligent folks, be called on their ignorance?” After all, I could have responded more sarcastically than I did if I had asked “Ma'am, can you tell me what city I’m in? Have I left Boston?”
Some years ago, my former wife was walking from her apartment a few blocks away from mine to spend the day with me. As she strolled along she heard a teenager observe, “I’ll bet that poor blind lady doesn’t even know what day it is!”
When she told me of that encounter, I said: “You should have responded—“I do, too, know what day it is, it’s Thursday!” Actually, it was really Saturday.
To that knowledgeable and conscientious lady I encountered the other night, it was somehow believable that I might be wandering the street without a purpose or a clue. Therefore, she would be a good citizen and tell me where I was headed, even if I didn’t know where I intended to go.
To me, it’s inconceivable that anyone, blind or sighted, disabled or not, would be out and about without a plan or a way to get from point A to point B.
To me, that lady was outrageous in what I considered her ignorance. To her, I must have seemed foolish to be out in the dark perhaps not realizing where I’d been or comprehending where I was going. Therefore, from a conceptual standpoint, we were both outrageous to one another.
The problem was, we didn’t know each other. She knew me a tad better than I knew her. She saw me as a blind man with what that often implies. I picked up on her cigarette smoking. Actually, her directions were as clipped as an air traffic controller’s might be. Perhaps she’s worked for NASA guiding astronauts. Perhaps she’s a police or taxi dispatcher. Sadly, or perhaps not so sadly, we just don’t really know one another.
Try this idea on for size. Can you imagine what it might be like to meet you? That’s right -- you! Are you sure that you come across to others as you perceive? How often are you misunderstood? Have you ever been pleasantly surprised that someone liked you better than you thought they did following your first meeting? Are you always aware whether others find you pleasant or hard to take? Of course, how you come across to someone else has a lot to do with that person. Still, it’s highly likely that in several ways our self-perception differs markedly with other people’s perception of us.
If the idea of meeting yourself brings about feelings of ambiguity, join the club.
If you are absolutely sure that the world sees you precisely as you see you, you are even more outrageous than she or me! Congratulations!!!
RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY
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