FUNNY DAYS—BIRTHDAYS!

By Edwin Cooney

I know, the oldest person in the world should be writing this, but even though I’m just a kid, kids know more about birthdays than anyone else—especially adults!

Okay! I’m 66 today. Do I mind admitting it? Well, sort of, for a small but nevertheless sufficiently nagging reason: I’d rather be telling you that I’m 35, 45 or even 55! After all, 66-year-old men don’t much encourage the romantic ardor of many ladies. Still, for the most part, I don’t mind owning up to it.

Birthdays can be humbling days. Three quarters of my first twenty years were spent away from home at a residential school for the blind. The major event of a good percentage of those birthdays was the “birthday spanking” all the guys were exceedingly anxious to administer. During gym class, 18 or 20 guys would line up with their legs spread apart and you were expected to crawl from front to back allowing each guy in line the opportunity to give you a hard whack on the bottom as you passed through. Inevitably, one or two guys would close their legs as you were halfway through and they got an extra whack at you. Believe me, there were more birthday whacks than birthday cakes where I went to school!

As one gets older, past the whacking and the “pin the tail on the donkey” birthday party era, birthday celebrations take on a little more dignity. Gone are the birthdays where your aunt or grandmother proclaimed with pride how tall and mature you’d become in such a short time. Birthday spankings are replaced by that inevitable needling -- even by your spouse and best friend -- as to how old you’re getting.

Of course, birthdays are a lot like any other day. The weather, as always, despite your most fervent birthday wishes, remains beyond your control. If you have a cold, as soon as you wake up on your birthday morning, you understand that colds are no respecters of “your special day.” Even on your birthday, the slacks that fit you when you were younger and thinner don’t magically fit you as the “birthday boy or girl!”

I feel especially sorry for two categories of birthday celebrants. First, there’s the situation twins must live with. Unless they’re especially close to one another, loneliness can be induced by the very act of inclusion. Their parents and friends invariably celebrate the birthday of “the twins” rather than the birthday of the individual twin. This can be especially painful for young twins. Then, there is the case of children born close to Christmas. There are several of those in my family. This is mostly difficult for kids. Parents can often soften this dilemma by seeing to it that special precautions are taken to maximize the specialness of that day, but it can be a problem. My birthday is almost a month before Christmas, but more than once as a kid, I’d receive a gift tagged “Merry Christmas, this is also for your birthday!”


The lives of two distinguished Americans demonstrate how fate can function on one’s birthday:

Warren Gamaliel Harding was born in Marion, Ohio on Thursday, November 2nd, 1865. Exactly 55 years later, on Tuesday, November 2nd, 1920, Harding was elected 29th President of the United States as he played golf in that small Ohio town.

Our 22nd Vice President, Levi Parsons Morton, who served from 1889 to 1893 under President Benjamin Harrison, was born in Shoreham, Vermont on Sunday, May 16th, 1824. He died at age 96 in Rhinebeck, New York. Guess when? You’ve got it: Sunday, May 16th, 1920. Yes, indeed! Birthdays can be both fateful and fatal!

As for my birthdays, I can’t complain. I’ve been rewarded more than I’ve been either hurt or ignored. It’s a tad embarrassing to be too much the center of attention. After all, too much attention can make you a” legend in your own mind,” as they say! Still, being the center of a special person’s love is a great thing. I should know: my best friend has made my birthday a special day of celebration for almost 40 years—and it’s been almost magical.

Birthdays measure age, but more importantly, they energize the giver and the receiver of birthday wishes. The recipient is energized by the expression of love offered by the giver and the giver is energized by the knowledge that those gifts of love are valued because the best that is in them is the source of the gift.

As for that annual reminder of impending old age, my guess is that it ends sometime around age…let’s see now…Ah, nuts!...Damned if I know!

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY