MEETING LITTLE JOHNNY

By Edwin Cooney

We’ve all heard of him countless times, mostly in school room jokes, but occasionally in jokes about parenting.  Johnny’s the kid in the back of the room who’s smart: his wisecracking and even occasional off color remarks are loved by almost everyone from you to your Uncle Dudley!

Surprisingly, I met him the other day and was about to interview him for you when he started interviewing me.

“Hey, Mack,” he said, “I understand you write columns with the idea of telling people what they ought to know about history.  So how much do you really know about it?”

“Well,” I began to respond, but little Johnny was, as usual, not in the mood to give any quarter.

“What do you mean "well"? Either you’re some kind of historian or you’re not! Okay, who was the first President of the United States?” he challenged me, sticking the end of a long red liquorice stick into his mouth.

“George Washington, of course,” I snapped in stern school master fashion.

“Wrong!” little Johnny shot back, “It was John Hanson, President of the Continental Congress at the time Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington and the French Navy at Yorktown on Friday, October 19^th, 1781.  Hanson, who signed the State of Maryland’s acceptance of the Articles of Confederation in 1781, was immediately elected President of the Continental Congress.  His formal title was “President of the United States in Congress Assembled.” George Washington, in response to President Hanson’s letter of congratulations, addressed his letter of response to “John Hanson, President of the United States.” How come you didn’t know that, Mack? Haven’t you ever read “The People’s Almanac” by David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace?” he asked.

“Well,” I began.

“Is that all you can say: well?”

Finally, as Johnny took time to chew on his liquorice stick I got a few words in.

“Of course I’ve heard and read the story of John Hanson, but the idea that he was in fact the first President of the United States is misleading regardless of his official title.  He was merely first among equals in the Continental Congress as he had no executive powers.  His duties were largely ceremonial although he was empowered to sign documents and letters as author Gregory Stiverson pointed out in the American National Biography."

“Yah, I know, and that’s the trouble with adults.  They always want things clean and simple.  More than one answer to almost any question often causes them to lose faith in the answers to all questions.  That’s why I have such problems with parents and teachers.  Parents, teachers, preachers and leaders spend their entire lives trying to convince themselves that most things are either right or wrong.  The fact is that everything is right and everything is wrong depending strictly on the question. We kids naturally understand that and resist the pressure adults put on us to be right about things for as long as we can.”

“Okay,” I said, “but isn’t it right to take direction from one’s parents, teachers, preachers and leaders?”

“Usually, maybe,” said Johnny as he swallowed the last of his candy and reached behind him to pick up his baseball bat.  “A better question is “isn’t it wise to take direction from adults who, after all, have lived in this world longer than all kids -- but me, of course!”

“That’s one of the things I wanted to ask you about in the interview I’ve been hoping to do for my column.  How long have you been a kid  -- and when do you expect to grow up?"

“Look, Mack, for all you think you know, you’re a helluva nice guy, but I don’t answer questions like that.  My Uncle Peter, who comes from the same place I do, taught me that the worst thing you can ever do is think you’re grown up.  That’s what happened to Captain Hook.  He grew up and got greedy and Uncle Peter had to feed him to the crocodile."

With one tap of his baseball bat on a tree branch a large red apple came down and he deftly caught it before it hit the ground.  Then he said, “Sorry Mack, recess is over. I’ve got to get back to class before teacher thinks she knows it all!”

Then, he was gone and I was left to ruminate over whether John Hanson ought to really and truly be considered our first president.

Suddenly, I realized where Johnny had gone.  He must be attending that little red schoolhouse just over the hill.  Soon I was peeking through the window of Johnny’s classroom just as the teacher was calling on him -- and I couldn’t believe my ears.

“Who was the first President of the United States?" The teacher asked as little Johnny’s hand shot straight up and his response was sharp and true.

“Since he was sworn in as Vice President before George Washington ever got to New York City, the answer has to be John Adams."

As always, the little guy’s answer flew from his lips on the wings of Johnny’s truth with the result that forced you, the listener,  to wonder.

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY