By Edwin Cooney
As all of you know, whenever I’m uncertain as to the
temperament of the American people, I visit my local watering hole to consult
with two of my favorite American citizens, Lunkhead and Dunderhead. So, in the wake of President Obama’s
second inauguration, I did exactly that just the other night.
There they were as usual, Lunkhead chewing his inevitable
unlit cigar and stirring his scotch with a swizzle stick and Dunderhead
munching on salted peanuts while sipping his imported beer. Yet, there was
something different in each man’s demeanor.
“You look a little grim, Lunkhead,” I observed, “What’s the
trouble?"
“His president,” murmured Lunkhead. “He says the right words
but he’s too sicky sweet and way slicker than even “Slick Willie.”
“Nuts!” shot back Dunderhead just as sorely. “That’s exactly
how I used to feel about your president, Ronald 'awe shucks' Reagan."
“Yah,” said Lunkhead, "but the difference is that my
man was real and your man is a fake.
He’s a socialist, in fact, a third world socialist, before he’s a true
American. I don’t deny that he’s
interested in preserving this country. After all, his reputation now depends on
it. But he doesn’t speak to my values which are that respect for property
rights are what guarantee human values, that government can’t create wealth,
that marriage between men and women is sacred, that people kill people not
guns, and that government doesn’t solve human problems. Instead, it tends to
create those problems. Unfortunately, we’re stuck with him for four more
years. I just hope that we’re both
vigilant and strong enough to blunt his internationalist socialist ideas.”
“In the first place,” began Dunderhead, “while I like him
better than you do, Lunkhead, and voted for him twice now, he’s not really “my”
president. My president would
assert far more clearly than President Obama that human rights have permanent
priority over property rights, that banks ought to be nationalized rather than
bailed out, that healthcare should be run strictly by the federal government,
that gay marriage should have federal recognition, and that every handgun and
semi automatic rifle in the country ought to be confiscated. He gives voice to none of that and I
find that very frustrating. He’s
no “internationalist socialist” as Lunkhead here insists; he’s an international
thug just as George H. and George H. W. Bush were along with Ronald Reagan
before him. The last truly
activist peacemaking president we had was Jimmy Carter. Still, he’ll do for now! I only hope he’ll get more activist as
time passes on,” said Dunderhead.
“What did you fellows think of his inaugural address?” I
asked.
“I thought it was a campaign speech more than it was an
inaugural address. It was well
delivered, I suppose,” said Lunkhead, “but although he made a nice reference to
the American soldier and the flag near the end of the speech, he made only
offhand references to God. He made no references to the values God taught us,”
insisted Lunkhead.
“There you go again,” asserted Dunderhead, referring to the
old Reagan line used so effectively against President Carter in their 1980
presidential debate, “hearing only what you want to hear. Didn’t Jesus urge us to assist the sick
and the poor? Wasn’t Jesus' message
to love your neighbor as yourself?
Didn’t Jesus tell the rich man at one point to give up his earthly
wealth to the poor so that he might know permanent heavenly riches? As for Lunkhead’s assertion that
government doesn’t create wealth, wasn’t Alexander Hamilton George Washington’s
Secretary of the Treasury when he created the almighty American dollar? As for Obama’s socialist tendencies,
don’t you think that free American enterprise, insurance companies, and the
American automobile manufacturers benefited from Obama’s first term recovery
plan? Aren’t American businessmen
today warning the GOP that if they destroy our credit by not paying our bills,
down the road their businesses will suffer? Lunkhead is permanently invested in the idea that only the
wealthy have the right to use the government as a legitimate tool to secure and
insure their prosperity! As for
the president’s inaugural address, it was exciting but it was only a speech
after all.”
“Well,” I observed “neither of you seem overly enthusiastic
about our immediate future!”
“I can’t say that I am," said Dunderhead, "but it
could be worse. Suppose we’d
elected Romney or, even worse, Santorum, Gingrich or Rick Perry! Still, I’ll believe things are better
when I see them becoming better!”
“Oh! Of course, they’ll get better once Americans have had
enough and decide to elect a real American as their president!” growled
Lunkhead, sliding off his stool and lighting his cigar just as he passed
through the front door with Dunderhead right behind him -- leaving me to pay
the check.
RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY
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