NOW YOU’VE GOT WHAT I’VE GOT!

By Edwin Cooney

Like you, I am often sent articles or blogs or whatever by friends, I’m supposing, because they believe these cyber messages will in some small way enhance my intellect, my spiritual life or my overall knowledge and perspective on matters great and small.  Occasionally, however, I suspect they enjoy simply confusing me.  Hence, this week I thought I’d pass some of my more pleasurable befuddlement on to you!

Here’s a lexicographer’s set of delights which was sent me some years ago by one of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second’s erudite subjects.  These are my five favorites:

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3 yr-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's roundtable was Sir Cumference.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in linoleum blown apart.

This next is from one of my spiritual advisors, a lady born in Pennsylvania who has moved to the “show me” state of Missouri:

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him

This one’s my favorite.  It was sent me some years ago via a lady of the solstice:

A SIMPLE EXPLANATION OF BASEBALL

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

This final one is also from my friend the solstice lady.  She likes to ponder!  Here are my favorite five:

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Perhaps wisely, my solstice lady friend closes by wondering if you’re wondering why you gave her your e-mail in the first place.  As for me, I’m simply wondering if my friends seem as wonderful to you as they do to me!

Next week it’ll be all me!  You may come to realize how much you miss my friends!

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY