FAKE NEWS, BUT FAIRLY FAKE!

By Edwin Cooney

Ah, you old fox, Mr. President! You've told us what, but you've lied about when! What else could we expect from the king of all news fakers? Yes, indeed, you've done what you promised to do, but you've done it in a way to make yourself look like a political hero.

Here's the challenge you faced. First, you needed to pressure Mexico into controlling immigrants from her Central American neighbors to alleviate the mounting flow of immigrants into America. Second, you needed to maximize the effect of that move. You knew your fellow Republicans would resist further tariffs so you were determined that you wouldn't need them. Besides, you were going to solve a public relations problem for your fellow Republicans.

Hence came pure politics. For months, people have been accusing Congressional Republicans of constantly caving in to everything you said or tweeted. Meanwhile, Messrs McConnell, Graham, et al issued public statements threatening to resist those tariffs which they certainly knew you really weren't going to employ. Thus, you were able to fly home from Europe after celebrating the seventy-fifth anniversary of D Day and triumphantly transmit a beautiful piece of fake news. After all, the news was old, so it really was no news at all. As old and un-newsworthy as it was, it was a pretty good outcome considering what might have happened had you really decided to issue those tariffs.

Even more interesting to this student of history is that, insofar as I'm aware, tariffs have traditionally been issued by Congress. There was the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act of 1908. There was the Underwood Tariff of 1913 and the deadly Smoot-Halley Tariff of 1930. All were issued by Congress. It's my guess that a tariff issued by you, Mr.  President, would have been exceedingly vulnerable in federal court. Hence, we have still another aspect of fakery instituted by fake news' greatest enemy.

Aside from the fakery of this more than obvious political scheme, it's a pretty piece of old-fashioned politics worthy of great politicians named James Michael Curley of Boston, Frank Hague, notorious mayor of Jersey City, Richard Joseph Daley of Chicago, and even President William Jefferson (Slick Willie) Clinton!

Mr. President, you promised to drain the swamp - not wallow in it!

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY