Holy Ronald Wilson Reagan—get a load of this!
Originally written Friday, March 31, 2006
BY EDWIN COONEY
According to a Reuter’s news agency report out of San Antonio, the Alcoholic Beverage Commission of the State of Texas has a new sting operation. Ms. Carolyn Beck, a commission spokesperson, announced that the Lone Star State sent thirty-six state government agents into thirty-six bars in a Dallas suburb one night recently. Their mission was to detain the drunks before they could do harm to themselves or to the community. The catch for the evening was thirty drunken patrons. Wow! That’s 30 out of 36, an 83 per cent success rate. What efficiency!
I’ve been under the impression for years that it was illegal in Texas to operate a motor vehicle without an open six-pack on the front seat. I’ve also heard that the distances between Texas cities are often measured in beers. Example: It’s just three beers between Dallas and Fort Worth.
Even more amazing is that this government sting operation is taking place in the reddest of the GOP red states. After all, Texas has such an aversion to Liberals that it hasn’t given its electoral vote to a Democratic presidential candidate since Jimmy Carter captured its then 26 electoral votes in 1976. Since then, the former independent Republic of Texas has sent two Bushes to the White House — both advertised as true devotees of Conservative doctrine. I guess they’ve both met the test, but if you really wonder how true-blue they’ve been, check with Pat Buchanan.
One of the main tenets of Conservative doctrine is, of course, that your business whether it be the state of your health, the quality of your education, the cleanliness of the air you breathe and the water you drink, or where and whether you can carry a gun is none of the government’s business. Another tenet of Conservative doctrine is that corporations have a monopoly on efficiency. It stands to reason, Conservatives tell us, that “if a private business isn’t efficient, it fails. On the other hand,” they often smugly assert, “there’s nothing closer to eternal life on this earth than a government bureau!” Finally, Conservatives are really and truly grateful for government inefficiency because, all kidding aside, they’d really be scared if government really worked — or so they often insist.
Now I have no information as to who appoints the Alcoholic Beverage Commission in Texas, but I do know that the state has a Conservative governor, Rick Perry, that Republicans have an 87 to 63 majority in the state House of Representatives and a majority of 19 to 12 in the State Senate. If the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission isn’t Conservative, it simply can’t be 93 year-old Lady Bird Johnson’s fault, now can it!
What I think we’ve discovered is that Republicans, like their Democrat cousins, actually have a social conscience. It would appear that quite a few Texans must be interested in having the state government do something effective about public intoxication!
Ms. Beck’s explanation, justification, whichever you prefer, was enlightening. First she reminds all of us that a bar is a public place and that there are laws against being drunk in public. Then she gets to the root of it all. Not only do drunken people drive -- everyone, of course, is against that -- but they walk out into streets. They might be run over by an innocent and sober Texas driver who hasn’t yet opened the first can of his six-pack. Also, she says that drunken people often try to dive into pools from hotel room windows and often miss. Could it be that the Commission worries about drunken Texans becoming disabled and perhaps a drag on their insurance company as well as possibly on the Texas Department of Rehabilitation?
What appears to be at the heart of the Commission’s concern is that someone might get hurt and cost the taxpayer or perhaps the stockholders of an insurance company a lot of money. Is that not a legitimate as well as responsible government concern for the fiscal welfare of all them Long Horns? Sure it is, but is it true Blue? Is some Liberal bureaucrat running amuck deep in the heart of Texas?
Now, I’m not as scandalized by this government sting operation as some of my Conservative friends may be, but I’m a Liberal. I actually believe that the public is often well-served when, through their elected representatives, the people set forth both requirements and regulations for human as well as corporate behavior for the safety and stability of society.
What I really suspect is that Conservatives, like the Liberals they really love, deep down, are just as interested in spending public money on worthy causes. Here are just a few of their government priorities:
(1.) Just tell us where you want that prison and we’ll build it so long as it isn’t in or near our neighborhoods.
(2.) Capital punishment? Don’t complain to me how much it costs, just get on with it!
(3.) Health care is acceptable as long as there’s enough public money available for hospital construction and pharmaceutical company needs.
(4.) We won’t squeal too much about public expenditures for education so long as there’s money available for the school voucher program.
(5.) As long as I get my tax cut, borrow as much money from abroad as you need—even if some of it does come from those damn Chinese Communists.
The Reuters story didn’t identify who Carolyn Beck is, let alone who supervises her. Her announcement was issued on Wednesday, March 22nd and, presumably, she isn’t hiding from capture by Governor Perry’s Conservative constituency. In fact, she was quite definite that these anti-public intoxication sting operations would not only continue, but also be expanded to cover the entire state of Texas. That’s a lot of covering and a lot of public money that’s about to be spent, I would imagine.
What’s really happening in the Loan Star State is that the definition of what's strictly your business has contracted. It’s still your business if you get drunk in your own home or while visiting the home of your Liberal brother-in-law or perhaps even while sitting in your car. Just don't get drunk after strolling to your neighborhood bar!
Could it be that there's an even bigger story here? Might the Conservative government of Texas be engaging in a practice Republicans have complained about since the days of Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "the root of all evil?"
Rather than freedom, is Texas actually practicing SOCIAL ENGINEERING?
No! It simply can't be! I can just hear President Reagan exclaiming in frustration from under his heavenly halo:
"THERE THEY GO AGAIN!"
RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY