SOLAR SHOCKS: HUMAN SOLUTIONS

By Edwin Cooney

As a former sweetheart of mine used to say: take a squint at this!

“NASA’s twin STEREO spacecraft surround sun. On August 1, 2010, an entire hemisphere of the sun erupted. Filaments of magnetism snapped and exploded, shock waves raced across the stellar surface, billion-ton clouds of hot gas billowed into space. Astronomers knew they had witnessed something big.”

The article goes on to describe how solar activity can affect the environment as well as our capacity to operate our increasingly vital satellite communication systems. What exactly this solar holocaust might ultimately mean to you and to me, they either can’t or don’t say, although they’ll certainly insist that explosions and shocks on the sun need to be monitored for our ultimate benefit.

I can’t say for certain, but my guess is that shocks (or earthquakes) and explosions affecting one of our earthly hemispheres would be a bigger story than 9/11! However, since the sun is constructed of little more than eternally flaming gases, it is unlikely to sustain such vital activities as competitive sports, romance, religion and politics. Explosions and shocks are all that can happen on the sun! Such activities have no doubt been going on there for years, but now we know about them, and thus we worry and wonder about their significance.

So, as I often do when flummoxed, I went down to my local watering hole to talk this over with my two buddies Lunkhead and Dunderhead.

They were in their usual places at the bar. Lunkhead, as usual, was chewing a dead cigar and stirring his neat scotch with a swizzle stick. Dunderhead was drinking an exotic Mexican beer while stuffing his face with salted peanuts.

“What do you say, fellows?” I asked as each finished reading copies of the article I just described.

“Those liberals are at it again,” said Lunkhead. “It’s all about scaring the taxpayers over the environment. Then they can spend our money on themselves due to a situation none of us can do anything about!”

“Nuts!” shot back Dunderhead, “Who expects you to do anything about it? The purpose of the article is to inform the taxpayer as to what the government and private industry can accomplish when there are no politicians, editorialists and talk show hosts around. Besides, there’s no mention of anything that’s Republican, Democratic, or even Tea Party in this piece,” Dunderhead insisted.

“The problem with you, Lunkhead, is that you see politics where there isn’t any to be seen!”

“Okay, Hot Shot! You tell us what significant effect solar activities have on you, me, and this here guy,” said Lunkhead, pointing his dead cigar at me.

“Well, let’s see now,” said Dunderhead. “August first—hmmmm. There were five Sundays in August of 2010—-that could be significant.” He paused for a moment. “Oh, I know, the San Francisco Giants began taking off in August. Those solar shocks and explosions made the Giants a team of destiny—-that’s it! Don’t laugh! Lunar and solar activities mean a lot in baseball. Did you know that former Giants’ pitcher Gaylord Perry predicted after hitting a home run in 1963 he wouldn’t hit another one until we landed a man on the moon? Believe it or not, that’s exactly what happened. On July 20th, 1969, just after Apollo 11 landed on the moon, Perry hit a home run against Atlanta. So, you’ve gotta take both solar and lunar activities seriously.

“Aw, come on!” said Lunkhead, “You’re putting me on. That story about Gaylord Perry may be true, but the reason we landed a man on the moon was because, as President Nixon said on board the U.S.S. Hornet, “God intended that week to be the greatest week since the Creation—so we definitely had to do something! Now that I think about it,” continued Lunkhead, draining the last of his scotch, “How much do these scientists dare to tell us? If there are explosions on the sun, couldn’t it blow up? If it blows up, then it’s going to get damned cold down here, isn’t it? Maybe they know more than they’re telling us. Here’s a hell of an idea: let’s waterboard them and find out what they really know!

“I just thought of something,” said Dunderhead, his voice getting strangely quiet and mysterious. “Maybe it’s up to us to make solar activity mean something! If the sun is a tool, it might not be a bad idea to spend a little money in order to learn how to use it.”

“Not bad, Dunderhead,” said Lunkhead as he took the first sip from his recently refreshed drink. “Just the other day, Bertha made me get solar paneling installed on our house. Hmmm! Maybe what takes place on the sun matters as much as who won this year’s World Series! Is that possible, Dunderhead?”

“I suppose,” said Dunderhead, “That depends on how much money you had on the World Series!”

“Ya,” said Lunkhead, “Let’s not make too much sense; after all, we might destroy our hard-earned reputations!”

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY