A COUPLE OF “WISE?” GUYS!

By Edwin Cooney

As those of you who read these pages regularly are fully aware, I confuse easily! So, you won’t be surprised to learn that I needed to consult with my two buddies Lunkhead and Dunderhead in the wake of President Obama’s State of the Union address last Tuesday night.

Lunkhead, chomping on a dead cigar as usual, was pointing his right index finger along the bar toward Dunderhead as I entered my local watering hole. Dunderhead had a defiant scowl. I got right between them.

“It’s just as I predicted,” said Lunkhead sipping from his scotch. “Obama’s exactly at the halfway point of his administration and he’s spending us into the ground. He’s a socialist, Dunderhead! You might as well admit it.”

“Nuts!” shot back Dunderhead, “If he’s a socialist, where’s my single payer healthcare plan? Where’s the government nationalization of banks and public utilities? Where’s free public education covering prekindergarten through graduate school? The last time I heard, it was the banking industry that pleaded for government bailouts. You “conservatives” have it both ways. You’re against government bailouts and yet you‘re emotionally dependant on Wall Street. You anxiously set aside part of your lunch period to check your cell phones to see what’s shaking in the stock market. You don’t object if a company you hold stock in gets a government contract. You use government as regularly as any liberal does so long as the activity pays stock dividends that puts money in your pocket. You don’t punish corporations that do business with the government so long as they pay a stock dividend. Relax, Lunkhead, you’ll benefit from Obama’s liberal light ideas.”

“Look!” growled Lunkhead, “Understand that goods -- not services -- create wealth. Reap a profit from a home or an automobile and you’ve created wealth. We’d be a prosperous, manufacturing industrialist, international trade creditor nation today if the high cost of labor hadn’t forced business to go overseas to make a profit. Now all Obama can do is predict government financed prosperity. Nobody believes him -- and they shouldn’t: he’s a one-termer!”

“Why’s that?” I asked. “I thought it was a pretty powerful pep talk to both Congress and the American people.”

“There’s a very simple reason for that,” asserted Lunkhead. “First, the public finally gets it that the 2008 recession was a government-created recession rather than a Republican recession. Even more, Conservatives believe in their philosophy of “less government is the best government” while liberals lack passion for their beliefs. In fact, I don’t think liberals believe in anything as much as they theorize about possible approaches to government. They’ll wimp out on Barack Obama just as they did Jimmy Carter and
splinter party candidates John Anderson in 1980 or Ralph Nader in 2000. Another thing they do is stay home pledging to be good boys and girls and to stay out of politics forever,” Lunkhead concluded with a big grin.

“Nice try, Lunkhead,” Dunderhead shot back. “The truth will soon ‘set you free’,” Dunderhead insisted, setting down his Mexican beer. “In the first place, weren’t Republicans governing when most businesses headed for more prosperous shores? Second, wasn’t it Republican Party government that was running both Congress and the Executive Branch during 2002 through 2006 when fiscal policy was being set? Didn’t Republican government leaders named Phil Gramm and Dick Armey deregulate the banks thus allowing them to create low interest home sales and speculate in loan purchasing? Third, doesn’t money which is used to pay the salaries of small businessmen and workers who engage in such things as internal reconstruction have the same value as money that pays for homes, cars, green energy and all the rest? Why is it that you see no value in investing in American jobs? No, Lunkhead, we’re not joining the circular firing squad in 2012. Call me a socialist and you’re not far off. Call President Obama (who’s putting capitalism back on its feet) a socialist and you’re kidding yourself as much as 1936 Republicans kidded themselves. How many states did they win in ’36—Maine and Vermont?”

“How many states did your man Mondale win in 1984?” asked Lunkhead. He continued, “In fact, Mondale barely won his home state of Minnesota. If President Reagan had had just 3,500 more Minnesota votes, he’d have cleared the national decks!”

From there, the discussion went rapidly downhill. Nevertheless, I felt much less confused than I’d been when I walked in. As sure as they were of themselves, I just knew that the future would be brighter than either one of them could possibly foresee!

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY