OH! NO! HERE COMES LITTLE EDDIE!

By Edwin Cooney

“Oh, no! Here comes Little Eddie,” I mumbled as I sat down to write column number 250.

“That’s right,” said the little kid in me, “and I've got a few questions to ask you. The last time you were confronted about your column was after your 100th column back in June 2008. Then, "Ed," your alter ego, questioned you and he was way, way too soft on you. Now, it’s me, Eddie -- the little kid in you -- doing the questioning."

“That’s good, Eddie, but tell me, is it true that you sleep with a lollipop stuck in the corner of your mouth?” Eddie started stomping around while looking mighty mean.

“Okay, big boy!” said Eddie, “Why haven’t you continued writing those little presidential biographies some of your readers asked you to continue writing at the end of 2008? Lazy, are ya?"

“Sure, there’s a bit of laziness in me, but I thought it might be a good idea to wait until 2012, a presidential election year, before continuing to write them. Presidential birth dates on Mondays in 2012 will include Nixon on January 9th, FDR on January 30th, Lyndon Johnson on August 27th, and Jimmy Carter on October 1st.”

“That’s only four presidents!” Eddie sniffled. “Couldn’t you throw in Abraham Lincoln since February 12th is on a Sunday in 2012? After all, you featured seven different presidents in 2008!”

“Just for you, Eddie, I’ll think it over,” I said with what I hoped was a placating smile.

“Don’t patronize me, Edwin Cooney, I know how sly you can be. If you include a Lincoln bio you’ll find some clever way of linking Barack Obama to Lincoln or Lincoln to Barack Obama to boost Obama’s re-election chances. Why do you do such things? I remember the days when you were a Republican and had a clear vision of right and left, right and wrong, wise and foolish, America vs. the rest of the world. I used to admire you. Now all I am is a part of you. What happened, Edwin?”

“Oh, Eddie, stop! I admire and call on you lots and lots of times. I call on you when I get mustard on my shirt or coat. I call on you when I trip or slam my finger in a door. I call on you, or for your charm, when I’m feeling romantic or when I’m devastatingly unhappy in the far too frequent episodes I’ve experienced of love loss. However, as for the rest of your question, I suppose it’s a combination of age, experiences, and my interpretation of the meaning of historical events. When I was younger, things were either good or bad, right or wrong. As one gets older, evaluating one's convictions and experiences becomes more complicated.

“As for what changed politically for me, the Republican party that I grew up with became more dogmatically conservative. The new Republican party appears to believe that America is prosperous and good because of its engines: money, property, religion, and so on, while Democrats believe that what makes America great is the availability and effect that money, property, and religion have or don’t have on people. It's "trickle down" vs. "bubble up" opportunity economics! Our capacity for good belongs to no elite!"

“Okay, okay, enough with the speeches, big guy! You seldom praise God or America in your columns! Why these omissions?”

“I believe that “God is love.” I often write in praise of love, therefore as I see it, I praise God when I write of love—God’s greatest gift to us. As for America, I think it’s more powerful to write of any country’s many historic promises, principles, deeds and blessings than it is to write of any nation’s righteous sense of superiority!”

"Explain Lunkhead and Dunderhead! Why not Little Eddie and Big Eddie? Or why not interview the Republican elephant Abraham (or Abe) and the Democratic donkey Jack (as in Jackass) as you did once, rather than using those two silly names?"

“A reasonable question, Eddie! I deliberately chose those silly names because I think that the very absurdity of their names takes the edge off the controversial issues I have them discuss. If the reader is pleased with a position that either one takes, the reader can make the position his or her own without attributing it to any one person. Also, the reader can more easily disregard the more uncomfortable points that either comes up with in the knowledge that both, after all, are just silly guys with silly names -- so what do they know?"

“Pretty slick, Edwin! One more question since I can hear the ice cream truck coming down the block. You’ve written about the history of Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day, and now, this year, Father’s Day—when are you going to write about Children’s Day?”

I started to answer him but suddenly he was headed toward that ice cream truck leaving his cherry red lollipop stuck to my light colored sport coat. I’m gonna kill that little kid in me yet! You just wait and see!

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY