WHAT SHOULD I WRITE?

By Edwin Cooney

I dropped into my favorite watering hole the other night and, low and behold, there was my friend Chuck finishing his pizza and beer.

Chuck, aside from being a devoted husband and a very competent professional structural engineer, is one of you -- a reader of these weekly musings.

“I don’t know exactly what I’m going to write about this week, Chuck,” I moaned.

“Well,” said Chuck, “if you don’t know what you’re going to write about this week, why not write about what you’d be doing if you didn’t have a column to write!”

My response was absolutely brilliant.  It was “hmmm, what an idea!”

I once knew a preacher, Pastor Mark, who, when he’d get a case of "sermon block," would write an “open letter” to God as his sermon in search for divine guidance.  That’s not an option for me, not because I don’t believe in God, but because I strongly believe that God expects me to do my own work, just as God does God’s work.  However, I was born with something of an imagination as well as with a capacity for creativity that I like to believe is God-given, so here’s what I imagine!

I generously fly to Boston to lend GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney a hand. After all, Mitt’s problems are only beginning.

“It’s mighty non-partisan and even patriotic of you to drop in like this, Edwin, as I’m at the end of my rope with respect to two issues,” the handsome and articulate governor would greet me.  "First, what can I say about those ugly stories the Obama camp is passing around about my overseas bank accounts?  Second, who should I choose as my running mate?  Chris Christie of New Jersey is too fat and too sharp-tongued.  Marco Rubio of Florida is as inexperienced as Barack Obama was four years ago.  Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is a solid enough citizen, but the last guy from Minnesota to run for Vice President, Walter Mondale, lost.  I’d like to nominate Condi Rice because she’d get me the 2008 Hillary Clinton vote better than Sarah Palin did for McCain.  However, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin would spend the rest of the campaign calling me names my wife Ann would never get over.  Who should I pick?”

“Well, sir,” I’d respond, "as for your bank accounts, simply admit that they exist and that your goal as president will be to see to it that everyone in America has one of those accounts by the end of your first term.”

“Come on, Edwin, do you really think the American people would swallow that?” Governor Romney would respond with considerable incredulity.

“Certainly,” I’d assure Bain Capital’s former chief executive. "Didn‘t the people believe that Ronald Reagan would balance the national budget in 1980?  Weren’t the American people sure that it was “morning in America” in 1984?  Didn’t America accurately read George Herbert Walker Bush’s lips on raising taxes in 1988?  Didn’t Americans buy Bill Clinton’s fundamental marital fidelity in 1992?  Didn’t Americans swallow the story about hanging chads in Florida and believe in a nonpartisan Supreme Court in 2000?  Didn’t the American people believe that George Walker Bush would likely get Osama bin Laden in 2004?  Finally, didn’t Americans fall for President Obama’s promises for significant change in 2008?

“Yes, indeed,” I imagine the governor saying while flicking a bit of dust from the sleeve of his impeccably pressed suit and gazing down at his mirror image in those highly polished shoes.

“Hey,” the governor would say to me after a moment’s reflection, “you’re quite a problem solver!  I think I’d like to have you on my team!  How would you like to be my running mate?  There aren’t any skeletons in your closet, are there?”

“Only a few,” I’d concede in a near whisper.  “They’re hardly worth mentioning, but since you asked, I voted for Nixon in 1968, Carter in 1976 and 1980, Mondale in 1984, Dukakis in 1988, Clinton in 1992 and 1996, Al Gore in 2000, John Kerry in 2004, and Barack Obama in 2008. I plan to vote for Obama this time, too.  Also, Governor, I write a weekly column.”

“All of those skeletons are easily forgivable and even explainable,” I imagine Governor Romney saying. “After all, if I can explain away my Massachusetts health care law, I can easily explain your voting record as well as your voting intentions.  Unfortunately, however, if you’re a budding columnist, it’s likely that you’ll leak like an old tent, especially during the campaign.  I guess you just won’t do,” I imagine Mr. Romney saying with much disappointment and resignation in his voice.

I offer my last piece of advice as I step toward the door.  It’s about his vice presidential pick.  “You had two primary opponents named Rick—Perry and Santorum.  Pick the Rick who’ll most assure that conservatives stick, even if the Rick you pick makes the rest of the voters sick.  Moral principles are what ultimately must matter although your political ambitions deserve to shatter.”

“Hmmm,” I wonder, “was that the governor’s highly polished shoe I felt on my posterior as I quickly moved out the door?”

Maybe I’d better write a real column next week!  What say you?

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY