By Edwin Cooney
As I’ve written many times in these pages, anytime I’m genuinely confused over what to think or how to feel on national social and political topics, I inevitably consult Lunkhead and Dunderhead, my two watering hole gurus. It’s not that they’re always right; often it’s because they’re both so wrong that the right way just naturally bubbles to the surface through the whirlpool of quarrelsome chaos.
Just a couple of nights ago, I found the two of them in a heated conversation over who was more justifiable in his reasoning for celebrating the Fourth of July.
“Look, Dunderhead,” insisted Lunkhead, “some things just aren’t reasonably debatable — such as gratitude for the fifty-seven statesmen and thousands of Minutemen who freed us from England. It’s that simple!”
“Nuts,” shot back Dunderhead. “Gratitude is pointless because those who fought for our freedom are as dead as George Washington and are beyond any reception of such gratitude. The gratitude you and your super patriot friends insist is due to George Washington and company is what they should have shown George III for the Seven Years War that he and his subjects fought with the French and Indians to save their right to speculate in the Indians’ lands. Finally what it all came down to was what all wars come down to and that’s money, money, money. If they’d shut up and paid their legitimate taxes, thousands of them would have saved their physical “you know whats.”
“You know what, Dunderhead? shouted Lunkhead, “You’re not a true American. You may be a legal citizen, but you’re no patriot,” Lunkhead shouted through clenched teeth while pointing his ever present dead cigar at Dunderhead.
“I’m every bit as patriotic as you, Lunkhead,” Dunderhead insisted. “I like money and property as much as you do. Like you I insist as much as possible that in all things it’s my way or the highway and I cherish my right to be as hypocritical as you do. The major difference between us is that my sinful ways compel me to be addicted to you, Lunkhead.”*
In order to save the situation, I quickly cut in. “You don’t mean that you’re wrong to love Lunkhead do you, Dunderhead?”
“Of course, I’m wrong to love Lunkhead!” Dunderhead said. “But what would life be like if we didn’t have the freedom to be wrong about some things in life? The best thing about Lunkhead is that he’s wrong about many issues and I am obligated to be a burr in his immortal soul. The best thing about American freedom is that it’s not against the law to have contrary interests or viewpoints so long as you don’t get caught breaking the law.
“You’re out of your mind, Dunderhead!” Lunkhead said as he beckoned the bartender for another scotch on the rocks. “The late great Paul Harvey used to assert that those fifty-seven American patriots who signed the Declaration of Independence fought not to do what they chose, but to do what they ought. That’s exactly why I put up with you, Dunderhead: not to do what I want, but to do what I ought.”
“Nuts, Lunkhead!” Dunderhead growled, “you know that I can name so many sins, and I mean deliberate sins, which were committed by the “Founding Fathers” that it would make your head spin. I begin with human slavery, go to the genocide of the Indians, to dueling, gambling and so on. And remember, Lunkhead, the colonials didn’t call Washington, John or Sam Adams, John Jay, Benjamin Franklin and so on our “Founding Fathers.” It was President Warren Harding who gave them that name.” Dunderhead put a handful of peanuts into his mouth before swallowing some beer.
“So,” I asked. “Why should I celebrate the Fourth of July?”
“Because,” said Lunkhead, “there are just some things that our common humanity requires you to do. It’s just plain love of country,” purred Lunkhead.
“How about the celebration of May Day throughout Europe and the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics or Nazi Germany’s celebration of Hitler’s birthday?” asked Lunkhead. “Weren’t Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia as legitimate and as real as we are?”
“They were as real but neither was legitimate,” said Lunkhead.
“Nuts, they were all born in defiance. We defied British taxation, Hitler defied an unjust peace after World War I and the Soviets defied cruel monarchy,” insisted Lunkhead, “What’s illegitimate about that?
“So, let me see. Lunkhead says I should celebrate the Fourth of July because we were courageous to defy unjust taxation and construct a nation of justice and freedom in place of British tyranny. Dunderhead primarily celebrates his right to be defiant, but my guess is that he’s not much on celebrating anything.
"So, what should I do?” I wondered. Then suddenly it hit me! The things I ought to do have more to do with how I treat others. To the extent I treat or serve others well I’m justified in celebrating. Ah! this just occurred to me. What is celebration?
Celebration is valued acknowledgment. Of course, I recognize on a daily basis the existence, legitimacy and value of my country. What shortcomings I acknowledge are up to me to work with others to remedy. Celebration of the Fourth thus is much more than praise for the minutemen and President Warren Harding’s Founding Fathers.
To celebrate the Fourth of July is to celebrate our daily opportunity to alter the various paths we’re on.
So, bring on the hot dogs, chicken, hamburgers, steamed clams, salads, macaroni and potato, watermelon, marshmallows — and especially the beer. Turn on the ballgame — who’s playing tonight? Bring on the fireworks! “Wasn’t this morning’s parade terrific with its seventy-six trombones?”
I’m celebrating American freedom. Why shouldn’t I? The Republicans, try as they may, just can’t beat Obamacare!
As for Messieurs Lunkhead and Dunderhead, they’ll be celebrating each other tomorrow and won’t even realize it!
RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,
EDWIN COONEY
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