I KNOW, CUZ I WENT TO THE SOURCE!

By Edwin Cooney

I’m not sure many of you know much about the current controversy between two of the most infamous entities in 2013 American society, Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez (A-Rod) and the mighty New York Yankees. However, because it’s a fascinating story filled with dramatic accusations and implications, and in order to get a better understanding of it all, I went to the source of the whole controversy.  Before I describe that “source” that passed on the wise perspective I’m about to impart to you, I’ll briefly summarize this most intriguing situation.

A-Rod, who is under a multiyear contract with the Yankees, is getting old and brittle.  He has had at least two hip surgeries over the past two plus years and his quick and mighty bat doesn’t consistently do what it once did.  The Yankees "business model" since the days of George Herman (Babe) Ruth, has been the multitalented baseball star, but they have come to believe that the 90 plus million dollars they owe A-Rod will not only fail to bring them glory, but will likely bring them nothing but financial and professional embarrassment. 

In addition to his brittle physique and sluggish bat, A-Rod, in 2009, felt compelled to ask forgiveness from the public and his teammates for having experimented with steroids and human growth hormone. Since then, it has been revealed that A-Rod invested in Biogenesis, a company that has been selling these newly outlawed substances to athletes all over the country.  Thus, although A-Rod seems to have recovered from his hips malady, he’s appealing a 211 game suspension by Major League Baseball and the loss of approximately 35 million dollars in salary. Understandably, the Yankees won’t be sorry not to have to pay him the 35 million while he’s suspended.  However, they appear to be quite sorry that they will have to pay the additional 55 million they will owe him after the 211 games are over and A-Rod remains their property at the age of forty-two.

Now the plot has thickened according to Tyler Kemper in the Sunday, August 18^th New York Times.  Joseph Tacopina, one of A-Rod’s lawyers, says the Yankees knew last year that A-Rod had a torn labrum in his right hip and used him knowing he couldn’t produce. They hoped that his injury would be aggravated sufficiently to bring about his retirement thus enabling them to collect a nice chunk of insurance money.

If what A-Rod’s lawyer charges is true, the Yankees deliberately played an injured player with the goal of collecting insurance money rather than with the proper goal of defeating the Detroit Tigers in the 2012 American League Championship Series.  If such is the case, the Yankees are not only guilty of conspiracy, but far, far worse, they are guilty of treachery of their fans and of injury to the integrity of professional baseball.  The Yankees deny this, of course, and A-Rod is leaving it to his lawyers to speak for him.  Even more fascinating is the statement recently made by A-Rod himself that before this is over, there will be several more big stories for baseball and its fans to absorb.

So, it’s just possible that A-Rod’s suspension may constitute the biggest threat to the integrity of baseball since the 1919 World Series “Black” Sox scandal when it was discovered that eight Chicago White Sox had helped their opponents, the Cincinnati Reds, win that year’s World Series.  With all this in mind, I went to the real source behind all this drama to get at the truth. 

I shouldn’t brag, of course, but while others have been asking everyone from A-Rod, his lawyers, his teammates, the commissioner’s office and baseball fans all over the country for their assessment of this dramatic situation, I spoke with the real power behind all of this controversy.  Since “money talks,” I went straight to the money that’s bound to settle this matter.

Seventeen distinguished Americans (fifteen men and two women) have been designated by Congress to appear on American money.  Some of these people are in A-Rod’s pocket and some are in the pockets of everybody else concerned with this dispute.  Hence, one or more (which may include George, Tom, Abe, Alex, Andrew, Ulysses, Ben, Bill, Grover, James, Salmon, Woodrow, Frank, Jack, Ike, Susan B., or Sacagawea) spoke to me under my guarantee of anonymity.

“What can you tell me and my readers about what’s really going on with A-Rod, the Yankees, and Major League Baseball?” I asked my source.

“There’s a lot of fact and fiction out there, but it is so scattered among us that it is not possible for us to reach any conclusion about it at present.  Some of us are in A-Rod’s and his lawyer’s pockets and some of us are in the pockets of Yankee officials and their lawyers.  Others of us are in the pockets of the Major League Baseball Players Association and those of Major League Baseball officials. One of us very recently spent the night in A-Rod’s bathrobe pocket which was hanging on one of his bed posts.  It’s a little early for us to confer since a sufficient number of us haven’t fallen into the right pocket or pockets to influence a conclusion. I can assure you, however, from decades of experience, that it’s just a matter of time before we’re all in the best place to influence the outcome of this whole thing.

“When you’re properly situated in the right place (or pocket), will there be justice for A-Rod, the Yankees, Major League Baseball, or for the fans? I asked.

“Look, all I can tell you is that there will be supreme satisfaction for someone.  After all, we’re money, not love.  We’re usually most effective in great numbers, just as people like to believe that they are effective as citizens of a democracy or a republic.  Eventually we’ll be in the right place at the right time to sufficiently grease the wheels of liberty energizing commerce.  Remember, “IN GOD WE TRUST” is stamped on each and every one of us,” insisted my source with hand over heart. 

“Wow, that’s incredible,” I cried. “Do you mean to tell me that you’re at the bottom of this whole scandal?” I demanded to know.

“Of course we are,” my money source scoffed, “We’re at the top, bottom, to the right, to the left, inside and outside of everything that goes on.  We’re the yin and the yang, we’re both the problem and the solution.  We are why everything happened that ever has happened throughout American history.  We are why the colonists broke away from Great Britain and why Britain wanted to hang on to them.  We are why there was slavery and why slavery was abolished.  We are why people are conservative and liberal, why people are sad or happy. It might be said that we are why people are people.  Remember,” my informer bragged, with an exceedingly mischievous grin, "we’re money, far ahead -- as many will tell you -- of anything else that comes in second!”

“Wow! I’m staggered,” I exclaimed.

“You should be,” said my informant. “We’re the big reason Columbus discovered America, Campbell’s invented canned soup, and the major reason Richard Nixon didn’t burn his tapes.”

My next question was obvious.

“Is there anything that has ever taken place for which you had no responsibility?” I inquired.

“I hate to admit this,” my source said glancing down at the floor, “but we lose control and even influence when human beings practice the 'golden rule,' although even then we’re often the object given for day-to-day human empowerment.  Otherwise, we have pretty much of an iron grip over the rest of human intercourse.

“Well, then,” I asked, “is there anything we can do to break your iron grip over practically everything that takes place?”

There was dead silence lasting nearly half a minute.  When the response came I had to cup my good right ear to hear it.

“You’ve got to stop believing that money is important,” my source whispered.

"Okay, I will,” I cried.

“You’d better not,” came the response. “because if you do, you’ll never ever have the slightest chance of becoming as rich as A-Rod, the New York Yankees, and Major League Baseball.  Even more, you’ll cease to be a true American.”

RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED,

EDWIN COONEY